I thought I was prepared. I thought I was ready. I had rehearsed it a million times in my head. I hoped if it ever happened it would be in some obsure place, that would be a safe neutral ground for both of us. Yet,I didn't expect it would happen, at least not this soon. Especially since I had placed myself into a self imposed exhile, clipping my own wings to stay grounded for so long. Now that I'm just beginning to get out/ learning to spread my wings and fly again, how did this happen, why did this happen, why now. On my 1st time stepping out the gate of my own back yard. Especially given all the options to get to my destination. I mean what are the odds. 1 in a couple of thousand that I'd see you. Not being a gambler, did I lose or win? I know the rules say, you got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them and know when to walk away. Am I at the holding, folding or walking away point? I'm not talking about the past, I talking about right now. Emotionally right now I'm on the roller coaster ride from hell, (you know how I hate roller coasters). I'm running the gamit of feelings; overwhelmed, excruciating pain, happy, glad, sad, shocked and truthfully unprepared. Pick one, pick all. Mostly drained, exhausted. I gave up being angry a while ago, it took up to much energy, and you had long since moved on, leaving me the only one painfully stuck. What I realized today, what I haven't been able to let go of is the emptiness, the sadness of missing the good parts of being with you. Guess that explains how our lives became revolving door for such a long time . No matter what happened, the good times where the best, though the bad were the worst. Yet we continued to give it one more chance, trying to figure out where we went wrong and trying to take the best and make it better. Yet we ended without each other, wondering why did it end this way. I've matured enough to admit and accept that the breakdown/breakup was just as much my fault as it was yours. We went about trying to hurt each other, though in different ways, one always trying to out do the other, it all came out in the was the same in the wash, although I think you and I could agree you definately won with that last punch. Who knew that modern technology would out live us both.


I'm glad to see your doing well. I'm glad to know your happy. Maybe now, ready or not, I have to can/have to accept and face reality, in order for me to truely know its time, its ok for me to move on. I used to have a saying, "God never closes a door without opening a window, but I'm struck and can't find the window" You used to tell me I was right, "Maybe I was just looking in the wrong room". My latest one is, "We plan, God laughs". I'm sure he had a good laugh today. Maybe all this happend today, so I could have some closure. Allowing me some time while I'm away, to mourn in peace and reflect in solitude, hopeful leaving here, leaving that last piece of baggage behind, to truely begin agian.


I don't know where I going with this. I just needed to put it out there. Another step in this journey called life.